Are you blocking relationships too?
Somewhere early in life I decided I did not live in a safe world because the people in it could hurt me. And the closer someone got to me, the more likely they could (and would) inflict pain on me.
I saw only one solution to this problem. I just can’t let anyone get close to me. It’s the only way I’m going to survive. I’ll pretend when I have to, but deep down inside, there’s no way I can let someone into my heart. One of the first movies I ever saw on TV showed a man crying because he couldn’t be with the woman he loved.
“That will never happen to me,” I vowed. “Relationships are nothing but pain.”
As you may have noticed, those childhood choices and decisions — made with such intensity and determination — usually last a lifetime. It’s rare for someone to even find them, much less change them. Usually, we just end up living a life of frustration because we can’t understand why we keep repeating the same self-destructive patterns over and over.
We make a lot of promises to ourselves when we’re kids. Promises about how we’re going to live the rest of our lives. Those promises end up being locked away in our subconscious mind. In a sense, they’re even more real than if we’d gotten out paper and crayon and written them in big block letters and taped them to the bathroom mirror.
“I can never let someone get close to me.”
“I have to always control love.”
“I’ll never find someone to love me.”
Powerful, fundamental choices and decisions such as these were made to assuage the pain. They become receptacles; pockets of pain. Neat little places to put all the unresolved emotion we couldn’t or wouldn’t deal with as a child.
Well, guess what? I don’t need those choices any more. I’m a big boy now. I’m all grown up. I’m trying to become the adult. And very few things in life are more important than relationships. But my most fundamental beliefs about relationships are skewed; twisted and distorted.
No wonder I feel so all alone — so isolated — even when I’m around other people. What can I do to change this?
Here’s what I did: In meditation, I went searching for the barrier I’d created to prevent close relationships. I was expecting some sort of concrete wall, but instead I come across a beast who looked like the Disney character from the cartoon Beauty And The Beast. A big strong hairy beast who existed only to follow my orders.
See, somewhere in childhood a part of me broke off and became some sort of guard, or gatekeeper, or bouncer, or perhaps it was like the secretary who won’t let anyone through to see the boss. A part of me started functioning to keep everyone else from getting too close.
I approached the beast. I was a little apprehensive, because I didn’t know if he was going to attack me too. Instead, I saw a broken-hearted creature who was so tired of doing what I’d sent him out to do. So much sadness I saw in his eyes. He didn’t want to attack anybody. But that was his job. That’s what I had commissioned him to do.
He was powerful, because I’d given him so much of my power. We talked for a while. I explained why he was forced to do what he did; because of my own shame and pain. Because it was the only way I knew to survive. We both quickly agreed it was time for us to reunite. He’d done his job well; the job I’d demanded he do. But now, his services were no longer required.
After taking back my power from him, he changed right before my eyes. Just like in the cartoon! He became a young man — maybe a teenager — who looked like me. Now I was able to feel and release the pain. And feel the remorse from a lifetime of loneliness.
And then I could forgive myself for creating this situation in the first place. Now my life can change, because one of the most important arenas of life — my relationships — can be rich and plump and full with a depth of love I’ve never known before.
New relationships can form. Old relationships can come alive with magic and excitement. I can experience a greater depth to my life that will make me happier and more content.
Is there a sad, hurting part of you inside who’s fighting off greater love and intimacy? If so, you can find that part of you, and you can heal it. Just find a quiet time to be alone, and let yourself drift off. Imagine yourself searching for this hidden part of you. Imagine it, seek it out, and allow yourself to find it. And once you’ve found it, you can heal and reunite with it.
And your relationships can change as if by magic.
Mark Ivar Myhre knows what it’s like to stiff-arm people and keep them from getting too close. And he also knows what it’s like to heal that separation. To learn how you too can create greater intimacy in your relationships, just go to http://www.emotional-times.com/2010/12/blocking-relationships.html And for more emotional healing information, go to http://www.emotional-times.com
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