All have a dream of perfection, of the perfect mate who will understand their every need before they say it and match their inner image of woman/man at their best. This person is the perfect complement, able to bring out his best, free the person from inhibition; someone they will be proud to be seen with in the world.Some might say that this is really a search for the Holy Grail. Others might suggest that clinging to this image of perfection is a defense, preventing a real life person from being able to win the seeker’s heart.
The yearning for the perfect mate manifests itself differently, and has various consequences in a person’s life. Some realize what they’re feeling. Others are entirely unconscious of what is going on inside. I was looking for perfection,” said Hans, “I would only go out with extraordinarily beautiful women – models, women like that. Then, when I met someone who seemed to fit the bill there was initial crush and a certain period when it kept up.
Then she got on my nerves.I would suddenly start to realize little things that they weren’t perfect; her skin, way of talking – really superficial, silly things. From that moment, I was basically leaving them all the time. One of the powerful aspects of waiting for the perfect lover is the belief that the person will always stay exactly the same. Based upon an image, rather than reality,we believe that this person can never be touched by the ravages of time. But when we seek an image, rather than reality, inevitably things fall apart. Each person has their own specific dream of the perfect lover or mate For some she’s beautiful, sexual, unconditionally loving, giving him whatever he wants. She seldom talks back and gives little trouble.
She is there predominantly to glorify him, reflect on his manhood and sexual prowess. Who she is as a person is secondary. Not only is it secondary, in many cases her personality, ambitions and individuation seriously get in the way. For others the perfect lover is tough. She’ll challenge, stimulate, perhaps even abuse. She’s there to make him toe the line, perhaps reminiscent of his childhood experiences with a strict parent.
As people wait and long for this perfect lover, they cannot see the person who is in front of them. That person becomes only someone to fill up time, until the perfect person appears on the scene. When people leave this kind of secondary relationship, they may not feel as though they’re leaving, because they’ve never really been there in the first place. They’ve never had the chance to really know if this person could have been right for them or not.
When a person is seen simply as an extension of one’s identity, then seeking the perfect woman is really seeking perfection in oneself. A person who lives this way is skating on thin ice. Only a strong sense of self, based upon inner values and self respect will permit a person to create a solid relationship that will last through time and grow richer and fuller, rather than blow away in the wind.
Hans continued, “I finally just got completely bored with it all. I don’t know if it was age, or if I was just becoming more aware, but I never had a feeling of fulfillment, no matter how many women I had. Finally I met someone who was better for me. This was a completely different situation from my other relationships. Probably though, I had to change and grow, so I could meet and appreciate a person like my wife. Hans had to go through a period of emptiness, and depression as he realized the unreality of his search. An image brings only temporary pleasure. It can never bring fulfillment. In order to find real love, Hans started to work on himself, to meditate, take long walks, and find what was important in his life. As he did this, he was taking responsibility for making himself happy, finding his own core. As he felt better about himself, he felt better with others as well.
Soon he began to appreciate the different women he met for who they truly were. From this vantage point it became easy to find a relationship that would truly nourish both of them. When we make someone else into an image, we are simultaneously doing the same to ourselves. An image can never bring happiness; only a real flesh and blood person who we respect and admire, can do that.
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